It was the middle of Mass. The homily had just gone on for ages, and we were now standing and saying the Our Father. I felt a bit warm, so I started to take off my coat.
Then I found myself
for a very
and I had a dream that I was Alice
down the rabbit hole…
Mom was calling my name. Oh, I thought, it must be morning. I opened my eyes.
About forty people were staring down at me. I was at church!? Suddenly I realized that I must have fainted. Someone was behind me pulling my hair off my face. Mom was putting my feet up on the pew. About three other people came over and told me to lie down, which I already was doing, and one lady reached over to check my pulse. Mom borrowed someone’s cell phone and called Dad and told him to come and carry me out, and then she started crying. Which made me feel bad, but also worried because I wanted all the strangers to get away from me. All the people were asking questions and saying things, and suggesting taking me out in a wheelchair.
Me: “I can walk! I can walk! I’m OK!”
Two ladies (who informed me they were nurses) helped me stand up and walk out of the church. Then they sat me in a chair in the hall, Mom following after, still crying.
Mom: “What was I thinking? My husband has a gimp knee, he won’t be able to carry her…”
Me: (musing) “How peculiar…” Also, embarassing.
Dad finally did show up, and I thanked the nurse ladies. They told me that next time I felt like I was going to faint, that I should sit down so I’d have shorter to fall. “You’re a tall girl, you know,” they said, while I was thinking: I’m only five foot four!
Once we got home, Mom made me lie on the couch and eat honey on toast. Now we could laugh about the experience… Well, mostly. She refused to leave my side (and is still sitting near me as I write this).
Mom: “An usher actually had to walk me out of the church. They were like, ‘Don’t worry, ma’am, this happens at least once a week.'”
Me: “Did it make a loud noise? Did I hit the floor?”
Mom: “No, you fainted very gracefully. It was like Pride and Prejudice.”
Poncho: “Or like the lady on the Masterpiece Mystery beginning… *sigh!* Also, I saved your hat from the flith of the floor.”
Mom: “Did you realize that you said ‘how peculiar’, like Alice?”
I guess I still felt like her a little bit.
It was a very peculiar sensation, fainting, and I’m actually glad I have experienced it– now I’ll be able to write about it accurately if any of my characters have a fainting spell! Downside: Mom might start carrying smelling salts with her to church.
I was actually hoping I might have woke up with some new power, like an accent or the ability to play electric guitar. Doesn’t that happen to people who faint? Oh no, wait. That’s when you get struck by lightning. NEVER MIND.
But I promise I’m OK now. (Seriously, Mom. I. Promise.)