Mom has decided to become a coupon shopper. She has a binder full of clear plastic slots just for organizing her (wait for it) “coups”.
Me: “Did you just say ‘coups’? What, is this crazy coupon lady jargon now?”
Mom: “Heh… No. I made it up.”
Well, we went to Target. And everything was really. Really. Slow. Because instead of whipping in, grabbing a cart of stuff (cough junk food cough) and getting the heck out of there, you have to actually, you know, shop. Like look at prices, and sales, and make comparisons. And dig through the Binder. (Yes, I feel it should be capitalized. It’s That Important.)
Me: “Peeps! Look, they’re so sad.”
Mom: “You’re looking at marshmallow birds while you should be helping me! Don’t get distracted.”
Me: “Look at their beady, sad little eyes!”
Mom: *drags me away*
Hair Products Aisle:
Mom: “I have a coup for this hair spray… Oh look! It’s on sale! Wait, wait. Buy one, get one of these other things free…”
Me: “Great. Fabulous. OK. Let’s go.”
Mom: “Wait, wait. Where’s the free things? Buy one get these free… I don’t see them…”
Me: “They’re all gone.”
Mom: “But I don’t see them.”
Me: “Because they’re gone.”
Mom: “But… wait… what are the free things?”
Me: “You won’t see them because they are gone.”
Me: “GAH!” *sits on lower shelf*
Mom: “Ohh. There they are. Wait, they’re gone.”
Mom: “Oh. That’s what you were saying.”
Mom: “OK. Moving on.”
The above conversation is an example of what we children of the family call a “Unicorn Moment”. So named because one day, Dodge and I were watching The Two Towers (Lord of the Rings movie, in case you have gone through your life deprived of epicness and have never heard of this thing) and Mom was in the room, asleep on the couch. She was half-waking up when Shadowfax (a white horse) came on the screen. Dodge sarcastically exclaimed, “Look, a unicorn!” Mom opened her eyes all startled and said, “What? He’s riding a unicorn?”
And the quote lives on forever in infamy… Now, whenever Mom has a “duh” moment, we say, “What? He’s riding a unicorn?” and then she laughs and tell us to shut up.
So finally the coupon shopping experience was over. We did end up saving a decent amount of money, but not enough to pay for Braille lessons after I yanked my eyes out and threw them against the wall in frustration.
Obviously I didn’t actually do that.
But it could happen. Just saying. I’m on the brink already, people! If not my eyes, someone else’s. Another three minutes in that aisle, breathing in the sweet, sickly chemical scent… Beware, innocent bystanders!
PS: Written per Mom’s request, as she wanted to be tagged… :)