Tomayto, tomahto, potayto, potahto.

Dad: “Would you like some tomatoes?”
Me: “Blech.”
Dad: “Tomahtoes?”
Me: “No one says ‘tomahtoes’. Seriously. No one.”
Dad: “Potayto, potahto.”
Me: “No one says potahto!”
Dad: “Maybe in some snooty town in Maine they do. (snooty British voice) [why he thinks they are British in Maine, I don’t know] ‘Oh, I would like some potahto… What do they call it in the Midwest? A Backed Potahto?'”
Me: (same snooty voice) “Yes, I’d like some Backed Potahto whilst I watch for Horse Chestnut Charles…”
Dodge: “What was that from? I remember that!”

(It was from this, in case you were wondering.)

Well, I had a very humorous day yesterday with Dad. He took me to the Most Pointless Doctor’s Visit of My Life So Far. It went like this:

Doctor: “Hi, how are you today?”
Me: “Um, better than yesterday, because yesterday I couldn’t even move–”
Doctor: “How old are you now? What grade are you in?”
Me: “Er.”
Doctor: “Wow, you are growing up so fast.” (looks in my ear) “Are you going to college?”
Me: “No.”
Doctor: “So you’re going to stay home and commute to college?”
Me: “No. I’m not… doing… college.”
Doctor: *has heart attack* “WHAT? BUT HOW WILL YOU GET A BETTER JOB?”
Me: “Actually, going to college doesn’t guarantee– I mean, no one has a job right now–”
Doctor: “Well, that’s because they go to college undeclared and become, like, business majors. You can’t get a job as a business major.”
Me: “Er. Okay. Well, anyway, yesterday I thought my appendix was ruptured–”
Doctor: “What do you want to be?”
Me: “Writer. And, um, I think I’m having a severe food allergy to milk–”
Doctor: “Oh, you want to do journalism–”
Me: “Actually, books– But what I really mean is, well, yesterday, I thought I was dying–”
Doctor: “Well, how are you ever going to write for a national newspaper if you don’t go to college?”
Me: “Novels!!!”
Doctor: “Oh, I hate those…You know, like that guy who’s worth a billion dollars now… You’re not going to write like him, are you?”
Me: “Like who?”
Doctor: “You know, the guy with the glasses? Oh, Harry Potter.”
Me: …………… (thinking, Does she think Harry Potter WROTE the Harry Potter books? Holy cow.)
Doctor: “So you felt sick yesterday? You felt nauseated?”
Me: (thank God, she’s finally getting to it!) “Yeah, I really did. I couldn’t move all day, and I still feel weak–”
Doctor: “Were you really stressed about anything?”
Me: “No.”
Doctor: “Well, just drink rice milk. Keep track of what you eat. Then call me back in two weeks and we can see if you need bloodwork.”
Me: “I also thought it might be wheat–”
Doctor: “Oh, yes, Celiac. Well, they usually have some real symptoms.”
Me: ………………….

That was just great. Wow. I feel so much better now that I had my ear looked in. The whole time, I was thinking, I came here because you’re my doctor, not my college counselor! And, you see me, what? Like twice a year, maybe? How do you presume to give advice about my personal decisions? While not even listening to my SYMPTOMS???

Time for a new doctor. And I have decided to, at least for now, avoid dairy like the plague. Which makes me sad! Oh, colby jack cheese, must I be so early parted from thee?

Sigh. Well, to celebrate the milestone of Most Pointless Doctor’s Visit In My Life So Far, Dad took me to lunch just us two. Which was very nice. Then Mom called and asked what the doctor said, and he answered, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed”. Classic Dad…. What else can I do but shake my head and smile?

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6 thoughts on “Tomayto, tomahto, potayto, potahto.

  1. crescendocroise

    This is really me…. Definitely time for a new doctor! I cannot believe she said she hated novels right to your face! Out culture is a disastor. I think that going to college has become as normal and life-sustaining as going to the grocery store for food; like somehow we are going to die if we do not go to college and be broke and listen to teachers who sometimes do not know what they are talking about…. sigh…

    1. pen2sword

      Oh! I like the grocery store analogy! It works on so many levels. Especially since you know how much I just loooove grocery shopping. ;)

  2. Oh dear, oh my. You need a knew doctor. Whoah. That was hilarilous. Boy are people idiots! Saying they hate noels write to your face and saying that if you had Cealic you’de have “real” symptoms??? Were yours fake or something???

  3. I hate your Doctor passionately. I know that’s strong language to use, but if she were a character in a book I was reading, I’d yell at the page.
    Also, you’re right. NO ONE SAYS TOMAHTO OR POTAHTO AND THIS HAS ALWAYS BOTHERED ME. As something or other that my friend quoted to me put it:
    “When do you call a vase a vahz?”
    “When you put dahsies in it.”

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