Mom: talking normally with me.
Me: talking normally ba– “OHMYGOSH FLY!!!!!!!!!!” (flees to bedroom and locks the door) (because everyone knows that makes a difference to insects)
Mom: “Um. Okay.”
There you have it: I am terrified of flies.
Normal people are afraid of animals like spiders and bats– which I coo over like a five-year old (or teenager, cough cough) with a baby rabbit. And normal people are annoyed by flies, sure, but they swat them. They squish them. They beat them to death with newspapers.
Meanwhile I run around with my arms flailing and my eyes widened in terror like a girl in a Godzilla movie. (Or “Seaweed Man vs. Aqua Girl”, as the case may be.)
So what is it about flies, eh? Note:
-No bloodsucking tendencies
I mean, there’s nothing to be afraid of, right? Wrong! Note:
-disturbing habit of buzzing past human ears, resulting in the human falling out of her chair and writhing on the floor. (At least that’s what I do. Because I always react rationally.)
-disturbing habit of standing still on the cupboard door just staring down said human while said human thirsts to death due to fear of making the fly fly and thus buzz. (see above.)
-disturbing habit of dying slow, horrible deaths between the blinds and the window. Bzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzz. OH THE FLYMANITY! For pity’s sake OPEN UP THE WINDOW! Except you can’t, due to fear of going near the fly.
Basically, it all comes down to the buzzing. It’s the sound of death drawing near, I tell you. Crows, bats, flying monkey minions– They are nothing compared to even a single hideous, buzzing fly!
Mom (in the hallway): “Dodge, go check on her.”
Dodge: “She just went Eeep. It’s nothing.”
Mom: “Go make sure she’s OK.”
Dodge: (opens my bedroom door) “What happened?”
Me: “Heh… I thought there was a fly in here. But it was just a shadow.”
Dodge: eye roll.
Now, gnats on the other hand… Sometimes I’ll pretend a gnat is Lewis Carroll, and we’ll have a chat.
But that’s a whole different blog post.
Good night from my
bunker foxhole fly-shelter bedroom,